Tuesday, 8 March 2016

This Too Shall Pass

Signing in today for the first time in long a while, Niah is tucked up dreaming sweet dreams in the next room, her pretty soft eye lids gently closed allowing her beautiful long lashes to just settle, 
Allowing every beautiful part of her to just settle, 
Peacefully drifting through a quiet land of slumber.
Here I sit, slowly shifting between typing and gazing out of the window where I have just noticed, the new green buds that have appeared on the Lilac tree at the bottom of our garden. 
 The sky is thick with soft grey cloud, there is bird song and the branches of the Silver Birch trees are swaying ever so gently. 
The cosy woollen socks of which I am wearing feel so warm on my feet and the embrace of my favourite knitted jumper brings more comfort still, whilst the warm iridescent mist rising from a freshly brewed herbal tea fills the air with its scent. 

Winter is drawing to a close but not before giving us an abundance of icy cold days that fall in to icy cold nights, finally, what we have been missing, for this winter has been so incredibly mild. 
I can feel the collected energy of humanity waiting and praying for the new season, her arrival will be here soon enough, as sure as the sun that will rise and set with every new day, and so for now I am patiently happy to just be present for what is. The here and the now, slowly and quietly embracing these last few weeks of Winter, these last few days of hibernation, as for me and my gentle soul, I'm not quite ready for the required bursting forth of Spring. A little time yet is needed for rest and the Pondering and processing of internal thoughts, I'm almost there, just give me a few moments more.

There is always a slight conflict of how much of my history to share on this platform, as I use this space as a place of light, positivity and empowerment, and speaking about my Illness is always sure to dampen the spirit a little and that is why I have refrained up until now, but if you will permit me I will just touch on the subject lightly as a way of explaining why sometimes there may be pauses in my presence here.
During my twenties I had a Chronic Illness that left me house-bound and very often bed-bound, for a long time I had to use a wheelchair or mobility scooter to get around, there are so many woeful details from this period of my life of which I won't share as It's not really necessary but I will just say that it was an awful time that stripped me of everything I once was and pushed Alex and I to our absolute limit. It took six long years before I started to improve, and I still thank God every single day for the improvements I've made, as It's meant that I was able to Marry my Love and Have my Beautiful daughter, two things that for a long time were thought of as impossible.
For the most part I feel very well and as previously mentioned give thanks every day, but I have definitely been left changed. Many of the changes are positive from a truly transformational time that taught me the true meaning of life and where I was able to emerge without fear of being my true self. A few of the changes are a little more challenging, such as phases of poor health, a few symptoms that generally persist and low levels of energy. During these last two months I have had two viruses that have completely knocked me off my feet and have been struggling with mild depression and fairly moderate anxiety.
Every now and then during a particularly tough phase It's very difficult for me as hard as I might try, not to go in to a place of worry about the prospect of a relapse and my illness returning, It is literally my worst fear and it haunts me. I have a mantra given to me by a very special friend that is always sure to bring a little relief, and it plays on a cycle during times such as these . . . . 'This Too Shall Pass'

And as the mantra states this most recent difficult phase has indeed 'passed' and I'm feeling much better thank goodness. 

Niah keeps me ever so busy even more so now that she's walking. Every day is a heart-filled challenge, like climbing a mountain- Difficult but makes you feel alive and so very rewarding. I'm devoted to her on every level and in every sense and could never imagine mothering in any other way, even with limited energy levels! She deserves everything that I've got within me to give and Alex too, our beautiful little family means everything to me, I'm so lucky.
 It's such a process for me every single day to keep on top of everything, take care of Niah and Alex, take care of my health and find a balance where there is time for me and my own needs and wants too. Taking photographs, blogging and being creative during this time of raising a family are always going to be the things that fall by the wayside when there are not enough moments in the day. But when I do get the chance to fill my cup even if only half way I am thankful and I know that Patience is a virtue, I really hope that visitors of this space will be patient with me too.

The photos I've shared today are from one of our usual walks across the fields, only on this paricular occasion we had an encounter with this beautiful creature, he was so magestic and had such a powerful presence, every single angel in the sky was shining its light on him. His eyes held a thousand lifetimes of knowledge, his heart was pure and knowing, he spoke to me in reasuring whispers of gentleness and love.

Wishing you a wonderful, peaceful week.